Many people often ask me what I am best at or what my specialty is in. My knowledge and experience has a wide breadth. However, what I am most gifted in is something I deeply deny because of the pain and struggle associated with it.
I am most gifted in shadow work. I am renowned for showing people their shadow sides. I work really hard to keep this gift contained in a nice little package, but often my presence alone is triggering for those that deeply deny their shadow aspects. As many people with deeply rooted gifts say, it is both a blessing and a curse. This definitely rings true for me.
I am very comfortable with my shadow, to an extent. It still brings me pain and struggle, but I see it coming and have come to terms with it in many ways. I have done a lot of work over the years unpacking the ugliest parts of myself so that when someone tries to use it to hurt me I am not blind sided. Usually I’m hurt because I am hurt daily by the state humanity is in, but no one is giving me new information about me. I welcome that, at least. I know myself intimately, all aspects of who I am, the good, the bad, the ugly.
We are entering a season where this is thematic. I suggest that you take the time to this work on the front end to help ease any tension entering into it. I know I will be deepening my self study. There can be no light without darkness and no darkness without light. If you deny this truth within yourself and refuse to integrate, you leave yourself unbalanced and in a constant state of duality. It is easier to own it, honor it, and learn to love it.
I think a significant part of this crisis is to show us where our time and energy is meant to be spent as well as bringing many of us back to our personal power. I believe we are realigning on a massive scale. If you’ve been through this individually, as a unit, or in a community, you know it’s an uncomfortable process.
Have you gained any insight into what you are supposed to be doing with your time? Have you meditated on where you spend your energy? Where are you using your power? Is it in alignment with what you want to do or what you think you should be doing? Are you taking the steps to move from one way of thinking and into another? Above all else, are you being gentle with yourself and others in the process?
Are you doing your inner work? Are you trusting your inner guidance?
If so, where is it taking you?
I am being guided back home to family, to my children, to serve here, to nurture their souls. I have been shown that I have over given, over stretched, and over burdened myself. I have given my power away by serving the needs of others in order to somehow be validated by someone outside of myself. It was a very toxic and a very human pattern to be in. I forgive myself. I also have called all of my power back to me so that I may be in alignment with my soul purpose at this time. I have expressed gratitude for the struggle I have endured and the clarity that I have received throughout this process.
Above all else, I am being gentle with myself and others in the unfolding of this process, holding all in the space of love.
It’s a common joke to express frustration and then follow it up with “first world problems.” I’m a big fan of this practice because it does allow a release to the block you’re coming up against, while also recognizing a singularly important aspect: it could be so much worse.
I’m in no way making light of anyone’s struggles. When you are in struggle it feels miserable. It feels frightening. All of those really negative emotions rise up to the surface and the best word that comes to mind is uncomfortable. It’s like your life is closing in on you. It,can feel hard to breathe and even impacts your physiological response within your body.
These are very real and I’ve felt them many, many times. The pain is intense. The single thing our brain wants us to do is escape. It’s a survival mechanism and a very valuable one at that. It has gotten you here to this very point in time. What a beautiful thing that is!
However, when we feel that rising up in us because, say, the grocery store doesn’t have our staple items. When we feel uncomfortable because we can’t maintain our basic routine. When we feel frustrated because we told our kids over and over and over again and they still managed to not hear us. We can still have that same fight or flight response mentally and physically.
When we can step back and say, these are first world problems, we can really begin to put our struggle in perspective, but not necessarily downplay it. While the grocery store may not have our usual items, they do have lots of other items available to us. When we might not be able to sit down and eat at a restaurant, we can still get take out or delivery. When our kids are driving us insane, we have people to keep our minds and hearts busy.
I felt like I was going to lose my mind over the yeast shortage. I have baked a loaf of bread with my kids at least weekly for years. It was the first real significant block we came up against because of the pandemic. I wanted to throw a fit, scream, blame, all of the things.
However, once I was able to create space around it, I was able to tap into my inner knowing. We have not had little containers of yeast since the dawn of mankind, the advent of wheat, or the beginnings of bread making. I remembered all of my nutritional studies, and that I actually had an even healthier option available to me: a sourdough starter utilizing wild yeast. My needs are still met, but in a different way. Not only a different way, but an even healthier way for my family.
So when we can create that space around “first world problems,” maybe we can learn how to tap more deeply into our inner knowing as well.
I’ve found that when we create enough space to tap into our inner knowing we are also able to create better outcomes for ourselves and others. We are then able to serve our own needs and the collective’s needs by rooting more deeply into the generosity inherent to our daily lives.
Our history has helped individuals and groups of individuals thrive poised on top of the backs of others. It is the plight of humans up until this very moment of time. If I’m entirely honest with myself and others, this is another one of the shifts I hope to see in human consciousness. I would love to see people move away from control and gain and into acceptance and responsibility.
People have often wrongly assumed I am in agreement with them simply because I advocate for their right to be themselves. In fact, there are such a significant few people I am in actual agreement with that many would be shocked. That doesn’t mean that I cannot support you in your process and your unfolding. That also doesn’t mean that I won’t set boundaries when the time arises for me to make my autonomy clear. If there is anything I will continuously stand up against, it is control, suppression, and repression of any kind. I see so many people upset when they receive this treatment, but turn around and treat anyone they disagree with in the same fashion. The energy just continues to recycle in upon itself. If we want it to stop, I think freedom is a relatively good place to start.
I don’t mean freedom in the sense that we have understood it up until this point. We’ve come close to it, but not experienced it fully. Freedom comes with radical responsibility. With radical responsibility, also comes radical suffering. It is like choosing to step into hot flames and trusting you’ll survive as a stronger person on the other side or die trying. This, in my opinion, is freedom. This will look differently to each person. Each person has their own lessons to face. The question is, are you free enough to face them?
I don’t know that many people recognize this capacity for freedom is as much an internalized one as it is an externalized one. Yes, our systems need a lot of reworking, but that’s just as much a reflection of a need for an internalized reworking. So where does your current power and influence lie? Start there, then expand outward. It will be seen. It will be heard. It will ripple. Just as contagious as a virus, free thinking can be caught and spread. So what is it, exactly, that you are wanting to spread these days?
Many of you are doing a damn good job of it. Is that what you want to bear witness to in your world? Is that what you want to see continually reflected back at you?
For me, I want to see:
So I will keep doing my best to break past my blocks and show up in the world with these traits. I will hope that it will be seen and help enable others to do the same. I will advocate for people to trust their inherent wisdom even if I feel it is incredibly wrong because it is THEIR story, not MINE. This is their learning, not mine.
This is my youngest son. I did not plan for any one of my three boys. Not many people believe me, but they were each conceived while using two forms of birth control. I have no regrets for any single one of them for they were meant to be mine and I was meant to be theirs. This is not the life I ever envisioned, but the greatest thing about that is, it is far superior to anything I ever imagined I was even capable of having.
Today is his birthday. He was born precisely the time that the New Moon will be at its peak this evening. I spent my entire pregnancy in deep prayer and meditation for hours each day. My husband is a Scorpio. My first son is a Scorpio. My second son is an Aries.
I prayed, cried, begged, and pleaded with God to please spare me the intensity that was the humans I cohabitated with. I was exhausted. I was pushed and pulled in every direction with seemingly no reprieve no matter where I went or what I did. As a Virgo, I held onto the grounding space of massive energies. I needed help – another centering sentient being.
Lo and Behold, this beautiful boy was birthed right past the Aries/Taurus cusp and my prayers were answered. He was born at home on Earth Day, of all days, coming forth in water, and a blessing before my eyes. He has his own brand of intensity, but carries the grounding energy that I needed to match mine. Someone that moved a bit slower, a bit more intentionally, with an inherent calmness.
I mention this because my children, my sons, are my everything. They are the defining forces behind my core identity: mother. This was the very thing I never wanted, but the embodiment of my greatest capacity. I want them to be a part of an Earth that is different from mine.
I want them to be held in loving compassion by their peers for how they are both alike and different. I want them to be honored for their natural capacities. I want them to experience an enriching childhood so that they can experience an empowering adulthood, unlike many of us have experienced. It shows. I want this nurturing to come forth in how they show up as adults in the world, far better than we have. I want the same for your children and for you as their parents. I want community members to see them as our future and work hard to model what it means to create space for each person to hold.
Life will likely always be hard as long as it exists. Being human will likely always have moments of pain, crisis, and trauma. However, that does not mean that we cannot continue to collectively raise our consciousness with each generation. That journey always begins with ourselves.
How do we love ourselves when we are the rulers of our lives, our families, our communities amidst uncertainties that we have never previously faced?
It has been a long time since I’ve posted, as I have been consumed by my own life growth process. Some of that has been navigating people’s perceptions of me versus the authentic me. It has been incredibly challenging, revealing, and growth promoting. Today, for the first time in quite some time, I feel like I may be on the beginnings of the other side of that hill.
If I have learned anything, it is that life is not linear. It is not predictable. It is not sequential. It is not algebraic, calculated, or certain. In all the ways we work to fit breath into this sequence, it feels like an elementary approach to something far more vast and all encompassing: a small and singular view to something far greater than anything ever before comprehended. I feel like energy is better spent in the experience of joy, ecstasy, and curiosity. The complexity here is that so few share my view.
We are in divisive times.
Bad versus Good
Right versus Wrong
White versus Black
Poor versus Rich
Smart versus Ignorant
Healthy versus Unhealthy
Left versus Right
The lists can go on and on and on and on. No matter where you stand or where you look, there is someone ready and willing to tell you how much you should never trust yourself, but rather them. Somehow or some way they know best, not only for themselves, but for the collective as well.
Well, here is my unpopular opinion: it is all best, else it wouldn’t be happening. I have a lot of chaotic energy in my being. It is a part of my archetype. I am also very grounded. It gives me some of the strangest perspectives compared to my fellow man. I tend to fall head long into life, death, rebirth cycle. I have known it for a long time and have befriended it, often entering with sheer curiosity as to what will unfold on the other side. I have lived lifetimes in this single one, and I have loved every moment of it. I have even come to love the parts I’ve hated about it just as I’ve come to love the very parts that I hated about myself. It is freeing, frightening, liberating, and breathtaking.
We are in a global crisis. I’ve never experienced a crisis on a global scale before, but I have in community. I have in family. I have individually. To date, surprisingly enough, I have not only survived every single one, but managed to find a space of thriving with diligence and discipline. I have no doubt that this same unfolding is happening for all of us. The twisting, the writhing, the breaking, the tearing is incredibly painful, my dears, but we all know the purpose it serves. We know the fresh new life coming to us. Let us not forget it. Let us not ever forget it. It is likely more beautiful than you ever imagined, but first, let us wade through the heartache and pain, together, collectively, in love not just for ourselves but for all.
Now let me clarify because this seems to be a confusing concept for many. Love is not the same for everyone. It means, feels, and looks differently for all people. So how do we share love as a collective? How do we love another when we too are sitting in pain? It is far easier than you might think. We let go of control. We release judgment. We do the most unthinkable thing to date in all of humanity. We allow.
We begin to acknowledge that all people play a role. We acknowledge that all archetypes are necessary. We see beauty in the ugly and ugly in the beauty. We begin to acknowledge that we are not THIS and they are not THAT, but rather we are this and that. It doesn’t stop there, my friends, because they too are this and that. We begin to see souls instead of bodies, and little by little, one by one, we begin to heal. We heal ourselves. We heal others. We heal the world. Step by step we heal. Breath by breath we heal.
We begin to show up instead of shut down. We begin to communicate and open. We begin to acknowledge, feel, and see. We begin to connect and widen. We begin to relate and love. We lift as we live. This is how a new level of consciousness is born, spanning across all peoples. The birthing is hard. It is painful. It is scary. However, my God(s) it is glorious.